When will I get my life back

Since the day he left I've been waiting for it...
In the beginning it didn't seem like such a long time..actually I don't think either of us knew how long it was even going to be. Basic training..AIT..Airborne school..then possible deployments, why didn't I think past basic training?! Whatever we had to do..we would. It would be a small sacrifice for this decision to be a part of something bigger than either of us could have imagined.

What you see....are the tearful reunions of families..big hugs..kisses..and huge smiles..and there is no doubt you're watching the best feeling in the world play out.
What you see....are solemn, heart wrenching moments of tragedy when someone's soldier doesn't make it home..something that touches everyone..because that casket you're looking at cradles someone who died for you.
What you see....are heroic moments...our soldiers in uniform doing their job...making sacrifices..being thanked..

What you don't see.....the families carrying on with everyday life without their husband..daddy..son..brother. With no uniform to set her apart from the crowd..the time ticks a little slower for her....nothing to preoccupy her time but thoughts of when she will get her family, her life back.
What you don't see ....is the strength it takes for her to make it just another day. The loneliness she shrugs off before it surrounds her...The inability to have ever been prepared for this.
What you don't see...is the actual process of being a military wife..unless you are one you can't understand the task she has taken on..
you can't understand the task I have taken on.

I thought being a military brat was preparation enough for the responsibility of military wife...but it served only as a prerequisite to a class I wish they actually offered. I continue to struggle with my new role(s)...embarrassed by it..stressed by it...sad by it even.

I wish I had my family back together and didn't have to hold on to the moments we share so tight..I wish I was able to spend time with my family without my mind being burdened by the clock ticking down to our goodbyes.

When will I be able to worry about "regular" family problems again....will I ever?

I actually think I just realized...I won't ever get that "luxury" back. Maybe this journey of figuring all of this out is really just learning how to transition to our new "regular".

Well if that isn't an eye opener for me...I knew writing things down always helped me put them into perspective.

Knowing that maybe I have no countdown to getting my life back. This is now my life.

I'll be right back....I have to get a giant glass of water for this hard pill I see I'm going to have to swallow.

Countryside

There is nothing like taking a deep breath of legitimate fresh country air..being able to look up and see for miles...and realizing that you are the only ones around. Not having to be on high alert for passing cars...or strangers..taking my daughter outside with no fences keeping her in and not having to worry...it's a carefree moment of pure enjoyment shared between a rambunctious (almost) 2 year old and her mommy.

Hip hip hooray we are going to the parade

Though we don't get to see daddy as much as we would like to we lucked out and were able to spend a day with him last weekend. We put up the Christmas tree together..something I always remember loving as a kid. I am so very grateful that Emerson was able to experience that with both of her parents again this year. I am sure that we will be apart for some holidays in the future so times like this are definitely special to me.
I took Emerson to the Christmas parade downtown and she loved watching the bands..tractors and fire trucks. Of course the parade ended with Santa Claus on his float..and she was way excited to go see Santa when daddy comes home for Christmas break.
I love creating these memories with my little lady.

Trip to Tennessee

Pardon me I'm still playing catch up!! Last month we headed to Clarksville to spend a few short days with Stacy and Macy at their house..and made a stop in Nashville with the girls :)
We ate lunch downtown then strolled around..listening to live bands and street performers.

The girls were swooning over Elvis

We are totally guilty of trying to take the girls in for more picture opportunities...sadly we were stopped..and I was reminded of a line from a movie I once saw.." you have a baby?....in a bar?" yeah, that.

He ain't nothing but a hound dog stace!!

Pumpkin patch

There were so many amazing pictures it was hard to choose the 75 I am posting :) can't not even though it's Christmas now!
Her most favorite part of the day was the hay ride on the tractor..she is obsessed with tractors and I'm so glad she had a good time with Stacy and Macy :)

What you are about to see sums up any day with my pumpkin pie pants....

What?! Who even knew that thing was hiding behind a tree and 2 rows away! Emerson the escape artist that's who...

Halloween

Sooooo it looks like I have missed the Halloween post! You shouldn't be surprised by now.

Aren't you glad I back tracked though?! How cute is this garden gnome! It was rainy and cold out which totally messed up our plans of trunk or treating down town so we just paid a visit to both grandparents and a few of grandmas neighbors.
You loved passing out candy though and sprinted to the door yelling "I comin" every time the doorbell rang. You were the cutest!

Thanksgiving

This year we spent our holiday in Wisconsin with loads of relatives..we had a wedding that we attended on the 19th and just decided to extend the trip through Thanksgiving. Mom has 6 siblings and all have at least one child and some 5..and almost all of them have multiple kids now too!
Growing up we were always so far away from our family..I thought that I wanted huge family gatherings and was missing out all these years. Well ....this year has totally changed my mind! I'm thankful to be away from everyone..those egg shells were starting to get rather annoying!
It was Shane and I's first holiday apart but I guarantee it won't be the last :(

This would be my mom an aunt using some of their great nieces as jump ropes....oh goody Emerson's future looks bright.

Momma said there would be days like this..

Sitting on the back patio on a lazy Sunday..the sun perfectly peeking through the trees as it begins its descent...the birds chirping and the bugs fluttering. The quiet moment you take to try and remember your little girl the way she is...trying to absorb everything about her ...making mental notes on how her little legs remind me of those that belong to a baby deer...how blindingly blonde her hair is..her tiny toes in the grass. I am reminded how time blows by you like the parting wind of a passing train. How it really seems that no matter how many times you try to soak it all in there could never be enough moments like this..

Emerson = newest member of the blue man group

Today my friend Stacy came over with her daughter Macy. We let the girls get in touch with their artistic side, and finger painted! Emerson didn't care to have it all over her hands and demanded I wash them off after every finger swipe! Macy on the other hand was all about it :) it was a mess to clean up but a good time for the nuggets...all 10 minutes their attention spans could handle at least!

The masterpiece!

Day 60

Dear Shane,

    It has been 60 days since the last time I kissed your face, held your hand, or saw your smile. I truly can't say enough how proud I am of you...but I will confess (and swallow my own pride) and say that I am all but falling apart without you. After I put our sweet little lady to bed...the night comes, bringing with it the darkness of loneliness. I have nothing but time to sit alone and think...... Think about how much I miss you...and how our daughter has started desperately calling every person she sees daddy... like she's searching for you every where we go...hoping that someone answer's her back in your voice. I don't know how much longer she can last, or how many times I can pull myself together enough say " No love, Daddy is working...remember?" It is obvious that we are more than ready for you to come home. Getting through the next 8 months is going to be one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do.
   I am tired of feeling like my chest is going to explode with sadness. All of my friends have all but disappeared, I feel totally alone. Without you, my biggest fan, I have no one to fall back on...no one to sleep next to...no one to share with and appreciate all the silly things Emerson does...no one to make fun of me...and share laughs with. I battle every night to keep it together when all's I want to do is stop fighting the tears that are welling and just let myself unravel.

I MISS YOU. That is all.

The play house rules

Mommy isn't allowed inside..because Emerson has learned the glorious new word.. MINE! And while we are on the subject of new words I should also mention Em's first sentence (besides "what's that?") a few weeks ago she said "more juice mama!" as her chubby little Vienna sausage fingers passed me her sippy cup!! I mopped myself up off the floor and squeezed my little nugget.. Ahem..correction, my BIG GIRL till her head popped off!

4th if July (better late than never!)

Our daughters second 4th. Cutest kid ever! She loved the fireworks but did get a little scared at the once that made noises...hilarious to watch. Such an entertaining age now.. she gives me smiles for days.

July 4th 2010

Who knew?!

Chicken scratch melts my heart.

The day has come and gone

I am just getting a chance to come to terms with all the emotions and the ability to write about it. It has been more challenging than I expected it to be..The next time I see him he will be all the things heroes are made of...a soldier in the United States Army. The pride I feel outshines the loneliness that has settled in. The highlight of my life has now become the daily walk to my mailbox..needless to say Sundays are hard. Any day I can open a letter that he has sealed and read about his days always bring a much needed smile. Any time I can have a piece of him is a good day.
Sept. 28th can't come soon enough for us. I'm so proud of my husband for his sacrifices and will be counting down the days until we can see him again.

A day all about me!



Mother's Day 2011



Yesterday was Mother's Day.. And even though mothers should be celebrated everyday for all if their "work".. it was so nice to have a day I could use as an excuse to be lazy! It came in handy as a "weapon" against my husband when I didn't feel like doing something...it was perfect because for today he had nothing in his arsenal that could defeat ...."but..it's mothers day!!" and for that I am very appreciative!

I slept in till 12! I didn't know I even still had that in me. Then headed to my mom's to make brunch.

Bacon, eggs, cream cheese stuffed french toast, fruit salad, and cinnamon rolls. The fruit salad was so good..I tried a new recipe.

I got my gifts a day early too...Shane heard me mention that I would kill for a dr.pepper the day before so it was totally him to include a 12 pack as part of my "gift". He knows I don't like to spend $ on flowers bc they die..so the flower cupcakes were his version of getting me flowers. Cards from him and Emerson...which he let her doodle in(my favorite gift) ...a box of Hershey's chocolates...silicone baking dishes(3 different kinds) and a smooch! He did such a good job, I love that man.

Emerson had a fever all day, I think it has to do with her molars coming in. She still made the best of her day and put on her poodle dress and pranced around. I am so lucky she is MY little lady and extremely thankful to be her mom.

  Riding in the Radio Flyer I grew up in.



2011

2010

 

Dear Shane......

It's been barely over a month since I wrote you last. A letter just like this one.. you won't get to read. A letter meant more for me than you.
Just as I predicted...time has flown by. Generally in life, I always push to be right.. but under the circumstances I would much rather let time prove me wrong. What I wouldn't give for the next 2 months we have to feel like 2 years.
Our daughter has formed such love for you... A sweet father, daughter connection to be envied by dad's everywhere. Each night when you are due home from work she waits in the doorway accompanied by a toy to keep her preoccupied. Shrieks of excitement pour from her tiny body when she sees your car pull in the driveway. For the next 10 minutes "da da" is the only word spoken from her pouty little mouth. The mouth she undeniably inherited from me.
Once inside, your nightly routine begins.. she helps remove your name tag and stick it to the side of the microwave...you take off your tie and place it over her shoulders (easily her favorite part of it all) always running around the living room in her new wares. Grinning. Guaranteed to be followed by tossing, spinning, hiding, seeking, screams and giggles. Music to any mom's ears.

I wonder how long after you leave she will still wait in front of that glass door....How am I supposed to tell her daddy won't be coming home?

I wonder how I will be mom and dad while you are gone.....I can't replace what you two have. It's going to hurt my heart seeing the disappointment and confusion all over her face that first day I have to pull her away from the door. I don't want to be the first person to break her heart. That's supposed to be some teenage boys job, not her mommy's....(some teenage boy whose ass I will kick, might I add).

I no longer have doubts about running a successful household without your help. I took on all the chores and toddler duties, and with the help of Folgers in my cup.. it has been quite a success. What I am worried about is something I don't think I can fix...something that has already been made obvious..how our daughter will cope with this change. She grows smarter everyday...so when you leave..she will absolutely know. I want to make sure she doesn't think you deserted her. How can I do that? What ever I do...I have to come up with something soon...and I hope my execution is perfect- for our little lady is at stake.

My love, I continue to grow prouder of you everyday. We made the most important decision of our lives on 10/25/08...we took a risk as two kids in love..shared our vows...and sealed it with a kiss.
You are without a doubt the best decision I have ever made.

2 more months....that are sadly sure to be rushed by.
Here's to making those count, and hoping the day's without you carry on just as expeditiously.


-Your #1 fan

Mommy's little helper

Emerson is the cutest!
This is such a rewarding age... She is so smart and will mimic everything you do. We picked up some plants from Lowes and planted them in an island in the backyard. She was surprisingly totally into it! I thought she would be over it after 5 minutes, but she grabbed a shovel and "helped" dig holes and wanted to touch all the plants- more like rip them apart- but still!
I love spending some good ol' QT with my loves.

Tasty Tuesday

Totally not raw!

Chocolate cupcakes with chocolate buttercream icing

Recipe from my Grandmother:

Which I will copy and edit to add later!!


Annnd always pay your helper in chocolate left overs!


Tip: use a ziploc bag to fill your cupcake liners to prevent spillage you get with a spoon. Do the same with your icing!

These are boxed up bc it's bad news bears for me to keep 24 cupcakes in my kitchen- my in laws love baking days.