Friday, December 9, 2011

When will I get my life back

Since the day he left I've been waiting for it...
In the beginning it didn't seem like such a long time..actually I don't think either of us knew how long it was even going to be. Basic training..AIT..Airborne school..then possible deployments, why didn't I think past basic training?! Whatever we had to do..we would. It would be a small sacrifice for this decision to be a part of something bigger than either of us could have imagined.

What you see....are the tearful reunions of families..big hugs..kisses..and huge smiles..and there is no doubt you're watching the best feeling in the world play out.
What you see....are solemn, heart wrenching moments of tragedy when someone's soldier doesn't make it home..something that touches everyone..because that casket you're looking at cradles someone who died for you.
What you see....are heroic moments...our soldiers in uniform doing their job...making sacrifices..being thanked..

What you don't see.....the families carrying on with everyday life without their With no uniform to set her apart from the crowd..the time ticks a little slower for her....nothing to preoccupy her time but thoughts of when she will get her family, her life back.
What you don't see the strength it takes for her to make it just another day. The loneliness she shrugs off before it surrounds her...The inability to have ever been prepared for this.
What you don't the actual process of being a military wife..unless you are one you can't understand the task she has taken on..
you can't understand the task I have taken on.

I thought being a military brat was preparation enough for the responsibility of military wife...but it served only as a prerequisite to a class I wish they actually offered. I continue to struggle with my new role(s)...embarrassed by it..stressed by it...sad by it even.

I wish I had my family back together and didn't have to hold on to the moments we share so tight..I wish I was able to spend time with my family without my mind being burdened by the clock ticking down to our goodbyes.

When will I be able to worry about "regular" family problems again....will I ever?

I actually think I just realized...I won't ever get that "luxury" back. Maybe this journey of figuring all of this out is really just learning how to transition to our new "regular".

Well if that isn't an eye opener for me...I knew writing things down always helped me put them into perspective.

Knowing that maybe I have no countdown to getting my life back. This is now my life.

I'll be right back....I have to get a giant glass of water for this hard pill I see I'm going to have to swallow.

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