Wednesday, June 26, 2013


My whole life I've never actually been surprised...I was the kind of kid who ruined Christmas by sneaking peeks into her parents closet, the kind of little girl who begged her friends to tell her what they got for her birthday...that young adult who "accidentally" found an email about her engagement ring, yeah sadly that was me!

I was always complaining about how I've never actually had a legit surprise in life... Even though ultimately it was my own fault. So with this pregnancy I figured I'd wait to find out the sex till birth......wellllll maybe. BUUUT, We all know as a 28 year old woman I still wasn't able to curb my curiosity. Little did I know the day this little boy was born I'd get more surprises than I could ever dream of..Definitely enough to make up for the absence and absolutely enough to last a lifetime.

Let's talk about the day my little boy was born..
Hudson's birth: 5/31/13  weighing 6lbs. 8oz. and 20in.

Thursday night contractions were pretty regular and just felt different than my regular braxton hicks. We went in and I sat in the triage room for hours hooked to the monitors. We said we wanted to attempt a vbac, but after waiting with only morphine that had already wore off I was over it. I wanted to be done. Not to mention while waiting I heard 2 moms screaming their heads off and was scared shitless(yeah, that just happened.. I said shit).
My Dr. came in with an OR nurse to help me decide with various facts..blah blah blah. We decided to move forward with the Cesarean and my Dr. said he had two other procedures before he could get to me, so it would be a few hours. My contractions were crazy bad and I was at 5cm. I cried through every one and finally after another hour asked the triage nurse for some kind of pain medicine. My OR nurse, Claire was waiting for in there as well. She came in, checked me and said I can't believe they are letting you labor in this triage room with no meds waiting for them to finish. This is just horrid, what if something else comes up and they push it back even more? She left for a little then came back, moved me to a L&D room, ordered an epidural and waited with me. The anesthesiologist came in and administered my epidural. He asked all the usual questions (the ones you don't particularly remember, unless you had to answer yes to any of them) and just as the last words left his lips "....ringing in your ears"... slowly I began to feel pressure and started to feel a little off, my ears didn't have ringing but was more comparable to being under water. He asked Claire about my heart rate and she let him know it was OK. He then advised her it would probably increase and again, not much longer after that I went from 70bpm to like 120bpm, and had a bad case of the shakes. He immediately pulled it out and they pushed 2 bags of fluid through my IV within a 3 minute span.  He said he had hit a blood vessel and the meds went directly into my blood stream so he had to do it again. This was most uncomfortable. Finally, it was in, I wasn't in pain and life was amazing. About 15 minutes later a man comes in and introduces himself as the one who will be performing my surgery. Errrrm happened to my Dr?! As pissy as I may have wanted to be I also thought who cares?! I wanted Hudson out!
So they wheeled me in to the OR, prepped me and started. Shane was brought in and everything was how I remembered it being with Emerson. My Dr. was singing and carrying on with his tunes, all was going well. Next thing I know, Hudson was out. He was crying at first and then it was quiet. My eyes welled up- finally my boy was here! FINALLY!
 I waited for the typical update and for his sweet face to round the sheet so I could lay eyes on him for the first time. I waited and waited for the update...asking Shane if everything was OK. I could hear the nurses whispering and asked him to try to listen. He couldn't make out what they were saying, so I waited...finally my anesthesiologist said she would go check on him. She walked away..and again I waited. When she returned but didn't volunteer an update I chalked it up to maybe she forgot(heyyyyy give me a break, denial and drugs were at play here!). So...I continued to wait... Finally a new face popped around the corner. She asked his name, "Hudson" Shane replied. She continued to say "well Hudson is having some breathing difficulty and it sounds like he may have some heart issues we are going to have to take a look at......Hudson also has some markers of Down Syndrome".
There is no font large enough to describe the impact of those life changing words.
 My head turned away from her while my world stopped, I didn't hear a word she said after that and I began to cry uncontrollably. Still being stitched up they tried to keep me calm but there was no chance I could be reasoned with.
I had waited 9 months to exhale...waited 9 months for that moment of his arrival to relish in the joy of seeing his face..all fingers and toes accounted for and of course to know we had a healthy, beautiful baby. I never got to have that exhale. I was robbed of that moment I had been anticipating. Instead it was replaced with grief, confusion, sadness, disbelief, and probably a little bit of anger. I was selfishly mourning that life I had already been planning out. Mourning the little boy I thought I was having, sad that my little man would have to one day face adversity. Thinking that they had to be wrong. Releasing each of those emotions in every tear that rolled. My husband was a rock, stroking my hair and resting his forehead on mine..assuring me we would get through this and everything was OK. Claire came around grabbed my hand and she cried with me. She cried like I could have been her daughter and her empathy let me know my reaction was OK. As I looked around and began to realize again that we were not the only people in the room I could only focus on their eyes. We all know that's really the only part you can see of a person when in the OR and every set of them was red. All of them trying to maintain a professional tone but each extremely affected by the circumstances.
 My anesthesiologist cradled my head in her hands and wiped my tears away. No sooner than she wiped that I was drenching my cheeks again. As she spoke I could tell she herself was fighting tears. Her voice was cracking as she asked me to try and calm down. Finally, they brought Hudson around and I calmed myself enough to kiss his cheek, instantly feeling guilty for my reaction and mentally confirming that my little man did indeed have Downs. As much as I wanted to deny it at the time, it was obvious.

Then he was gone. I was wheeled to recovery with Shane while Claire went to get my mom and sister. She allowed them in even against policy and even watched Emerson while they were back with me. No one knew, so when mom walked in Shane had finally given in and began to cry. Neither of us could get it out. Mom of course thought the worst case scenario and began to repeat "what?" "what happened?" as she cried and wrapped her arms around Shane. She thought the worst, that our little boy didn't make it. Finally, Shane was able to get the words out...."They think he has down syndrome and he is having some breathing issues" and suddenly our reality wasn't so bad compared to the alternative. Claire came back to give me a hug, rubbed my hand and said she wished us the best. She had stayed an extra hour and a half after she had got off. Just to support our family, and that was amazing. I was taken to my room where I was able to sort through what the hell just happened and try to make sense of it all. Meanwhile, Hudson remained in the NICU. I wanted to see him asap and start bonding with him. I felt that was even more crucial now with this change. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to see him for a few hours after delivery.

Don't you worry I'm planning to describe that experience separately.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is only surprise number one. Why don't you follow me on over to the next post.........but before that I have this gem to share.

This was in triage after they said we would be getting ready for a c section :) My crazy husbands humor gets me through most days.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

It's a boy

"It's a boy", three of the most beautiful words I've heard since "it's a girl" was spoken some years ago. My mind instantly began to plan out our life. My sassy little lady and my sweet little gentleman playing with daddy in the yard, what it would be like grocery shopping with two instead of one, going to the beach, witnessing all of his firsts, spending time at Grandma and Grandpas house...while forcing many many family photos of them through it all! I planned his room around the green color we painted it for Emerson (she was moved to her big girl room). There was no question, Alligators it was. I handmade his wall art and bought the crib bedding. You know, did all the normal things moms to be do. My Dr. set our csection for 6/7/2013...we finally had a date and I had my life planned out, that quick. 

 The only thing missing was our boy.

What you've missed...

Not because I haven't been posting or anything.............!

Shane came home!!
Watch his video HERE  (Seriously you want to! It was super sweet)

I got pregnant!! As a result of the above :) ( see some pregnant lady pics below)

Em turned 3 years old see details of her mermaid party here (coming soon)

We took a trip to Disney World...what a blasty blast.

Shane turned 30..woahh

And we found out we were having a BOY!!!