Wednesday, July 3, 2013

A little bit of sweetness

In the middle of all that medical drama, we did have a few sweet unforgettable moments. See, when you have had a healthy delivery and baby you know what it is supposed to be like. You have your little person in the same hospital room where you can hold, kiss, love, and stare at your newbie all you want. You know what that is all about......and how amazing those moments are. Those moments did exist with Hud but were just sooo very different.

I could only be wheeled down to visit him..couldn't hold him..and had to get to know that gorg face through the glare off of his oxygen hood. Just a completely different experience to have to get to know your baby from a distance. I didn't feel so bad for me, I felt sad for him. He was born (which has to be somewhat of a stressful experience for them) and had been pricked and stuck..x-rayed and a room with loud alarms and other crying babies..noisy machines and bright lights.
My newborn was just this baby stuck on a bed. Love should have been the only thing that he experienced. I felt guilty. He was so close to me but so far from my arms. I wanted to hold my boy so.very.bad.

    Look at this adorable face with those baby blues...who wouldn't want a little snuggle?

 Sometimes Huddy would lick the hood. It would look like he was attempting to lick his way to freedom! SO so funny.

One of our first pics together.. love this little monster and he loved his little paci.

Hudder butter had a name tag made for him which was cute...but that also meant your baby had been there for quite some time. Seriously the days mix together and feel like weeks and weeks like months.. you lose the concept of real time because so much is constantly happening and changing. So many way more important time consuming matters to worry about...Time was flying, just not quick enough to make this all a memory.

Then the day came when I was able to hold him. It was absolutely one of the best days ever (I now have days that trump this one but still). I can remember the excitement..I wanted to cry. The nurse heard me talking about how sad it was for him to just lay there all day and have minimal skin to skin contact. She walked away only to return with a smile. She said that there was no way she could let another day go by without me being able to hold him. She got the OK to let us use a tube of oxygen to allow flow while I held him. Milestone, enthusiastically accomplished!

(Huddy's first smile)

A notable low would definitely have to be the day I was discharged without him. It was hard to get wheeled out and have no baby in my arms. To make matters worse, I had to pass a mom being transported at the same time with theirs. Each time I passed a door with a lovely heart was heavy. I knew that they weren't going through what I was. Part of me thought that it wasn't fair that it was me but the other part acknowledged Hudson was where he was supposed to be. He had a great support system.... we might not be the most appropriate at times, and we might laugh too much, sometimes we argue, but we always love. He will always have love..........annnnnd humor ;)

We were ending week 2 in the NICU when one of the Dr.'s had approached us about Hudson's medical situation. We had no answers. Besides the change to a nasal cannula from the oxygen hood (which was major bc it meant I got to hold him whenever), we were no better off than we were 2 weeks ago, his progress had plateaued. I knew it...and of course so did they.
 The cardiologist wanted to know how we felt about transferring Hudson to Duke. Our cardiologist was actually from Duke and had a practice in Fayetteville that he worked out of 3 days a week. He was aware of the kind of care Hud would have accessible. We needed more tests and more answers...we just needed more than Cape Fear could offer. I knew medically Hud needed to go, but emotionally I didn't have a plan so I was scared to have him 2 hours away. I loved most of the staff, all of the NICU nurses were amazing. I had my favorite, Marcie and I was sad to leave because I was afraid the new nurses wouldn't know his story and care about him the way she/they did. I was torn but knew what I would I signed the transfer papers just in case. Shane had bought tickets to go see Superman early that morning.....we were coming up on the time of the movie which just so happened to be the same time he might be getting life flighted out. Because the tickets were already paid for I decided to go with much anxiety as it gave me to do so, I did it for him. I knew we needed some non NICU time in our life. There was no way we could have predicted that Hudster would be life flighted out. If you've seen the new Superman you know the beginning was really similar to our situation. Sitting in the leather chair while Shane munched on popcorn and slurped his soda I was dementedly picturing myself as Lara(superman's mom) and Hudson as Kal-El (superman) watching and reliving the day he was born. Then having to place him into an incubator and sending him off in a vessel all by his lonesome. SERIOUSLY?  That really just happened in this movie? WHY would my husband make me watch this?! Ugh. I was crying like a moron and no one could possibly understand why. I kept my phone in my hand on the loudest volume possible and didn't give 2 craps about anyone getting mad if it rang mid movie. Well, 30 minutes in and we got the call that Duke would be arriving in 30 minutes to take Hudson. We were 20 minutes away. I tore through town and we ran through the hospital and made it just before they took him out of his crib and onto the stretcher.

My heart broke...I was soooooooo sad. I had no idea when I would see him again. I wanted to follow them but I had nothing planned, packed or prepared. So emotional. We hurried to the heli-pad and watched them load up and take off. I was a mess.

Goodbye my little Superman, I hope to see you really soon.

No comments:

Post a Comment