Independence Day

  July 4th has so many meanings to all of us. Besides the obvious, this was also Hudson's first holiday. And anyone that knows me, knows that I take my holidays seriously! I wish we could have celebrated differently but we made the best of it. I picked up a little 4th of July bib..sad that I had to sacrifice having him decked out in stars and stripes. Sad that I couldn't see his eyes light up (like what the!!!) as Em lit her sparklers. The holiday I had planned was drastically different. BUT I made sure he celebrated however possible!

  An important day all by itself made extra special because it was also the day Hudson was freed of the ventilator. That terrifying day a week ago finally concluded with a liberating moment for my sweet guy.
 It was something that we had waited for...something that symbolized Hudson was "better". If he didn't have this breathing tube then he wasn't doing so bad. The moment came when they gathered around his bed. I was just beaming with excitement for him, it was radiating out of me. He was ready, I knew he was.


They put his nasal cannula back in his nose, put the air on high flow...and with a few quick movements the tube was pulled out. His eyes watering, his mouth opening and closing...licking his lips, rediscovering that part of his body as he was taking his own breaths unassisted for the first time in a week. I was so proud of my boy. So very proud.

              My little was FREE.

 

 

 until my next post.

 

- one very happy mom

 

 

 

 

Month One

Dear Huddy...my gorgeous bright eyed little man.


  This is not how I anticipated we would be celebrating...I hate that all your time has been spent in a hospital. It makes me sad to state your official address as 2100 Erwin Rd. Durham, NC...because that's not our house. I sit beside your bed all day and think about what it would be like to see you in your crib, instead. I wish we could be at home, in our living room giggling as we watch Em and daddy rough house. I want to be annoyed that she was playing too rough with you, or smile because she did something cute for you. I desperately want that to be the life for you.
   I want to show you the world outside of wires, tape, tubes, medicine, monitors, heel pricks, strangers and pain. I can't wait till the sun light hits your face for the first time...the wind blowing across your cheeks, fresh air and smells other than "hospital" infiltrating your healthy lungs.  I can't wait to show you all of the amazing things you have no idea even exist...everyday I am bursting with anticipation. I am ready for you to be home. I am ready for you to feel safe. I know you are too. I wish there was more I could do for you, this can't be how your life was supposed to play out....this one isn't fair.
   I hope we are able to experience all of those things and more together. You are the bravest one month old I have ever come to know. You have taught me more than I imagined. I am stronger than I give myself credit for, and I know your possibilities are endless. I can see things I never noticed, I can appreciate things I overlooked...and I can understand that of which I am afraid. So as your mother, teacher and student I am in awe of the little man you are already shaping to be. I love you more every day, and I grow prouder of you with every passing minute. You are my perfectly imperfect son. My solace. My fighter. My survivor.


Keep holding on.



Because, I love and need you.
Mom

Happy one month little love.

Helping Hudson

   I have never been one to ask for help or expect gifts. I do though understand that some of our friends and family want to help and show they love and support us.  This amazing group of friends created this site to allow that opportunity. Well wishes and love are also always accepted! Thinking of our little man is enough for us. Thank you for loving us, and here's to mending Hudson's broken little heart. 

If you want to catch medical updates as they happen (since my blog is a little delayed). Click the link below. 
Help Hudson Here


Without the support of my family, friends and even strangers we wouldn't have made it this far. You keep us going when we emotionally have nothing left. I can never put into words how much this means to us.

Dionna, Shane, Emerson and Hudson

 (that is the first time I've been able to write all of our names together like that)..    :)

 

Just a little sprinkle...

I was iffy about having a baby shower the second time around and made it a point to say no gift was required in the invite. I just wanted to celebrate our boy.  I didn't want people to think I was being rude or whatever other reason it offends..just wanted to make sure no one eye rolled the invitation to my second baby shower!

However, I wanted to make sure I did everything for him that I did for Emerson. I didn't want Hud to become a victim of "Oops you're the second baby so I forgot to take pics of all your first's, whaaat? I had no idea your sister had 200 pictures taken each day of her first year". I myself, am the second child and often find myself scowling at my mother as we look at old albums (just kidding Mom, love ya...mean it!)...



   We had our original baby "sprinkle" planned on 7/1 but of course Hud made his appearance on his own a day before, so needless to say we had to reschedule it. I chose the week after he was born. I wanted to make sure life didn't get in the way and we never got around to it.

 My sister had everything put together already and I also wanted to make sure her efforts weren't for nothing. OK, so hopefully that was enough justification for having my Sprinkle, for those that turn their nose up at them :)


It was gorgeous! I was so thankful to have the most important people there. Just what I wanted it to be. The décor and the food were perfect!


         
           She even made the cake!

 

 

 

 

 

   Blue nail polish favors....what a cute idea, right?

My crazy husband and I, above.

 "Wishes for Hudson" papers to fill out for the Hud man. Those were so much more special to read a week after having him and knowing everything versus if we wrote/read them the week before.
Dear Huddy,

I hope you learn... that being you is amazing.

I hope you aren't afraid of ....spiders, because Mom is going to need you to kill them, and there is a strong possibility you will be required to kill other bugs as well. (Sorry I am not the put them outside kind of lady)

I hope you love.. your life. I hope everyday I will be the mom you need me to be and that you are so incredibly happy.

I hope you have your mothers...wit and love for crafts. I can't wait to joke with you and laugh and I'd be thrilled to share my love of crafting with you :)

I hope you are good at....detecting rain clouds, because your sister will point them out everyday! It'd be nice for some healthy competition!

I hope you have your fathers....smarts and good looks, he's a handsome man and you're already a very handsome little boy. I hope you're able to excel academically as much as you can!

I hope you remember....that you are my hero, the toughest person I've known. You are a fighter and survivor, and that you deserve nothing but the best in life. 

I hope you become....a gentle, caring soul and a reminder to the world of how important it is to love.

You've already changed my life and I hope as other mothers read my blog their child gets an extra moment of attention. A hug or a kiss, a quiet moment when they can exhale as they think about how relieved they are to live a different reality from me. That extra moment of love alone, makes this documentation of my emotions worth it. 

"Bagged"

  Walking into the waiting room to check on my boy's new set up in the PCICU..approaching the window my eyes were drawn just past the front desk clerk and instant fear smacked me in the face. I saw my son on a bed, arms wide to his side, his lifeless little pale body at the mercy of the Dr.'s. A bag being squeezed by (at the moment) the most important hands on the planet. My tiny little boy was being manually ventilated or "bagged". I was horrified and as I gasped the tears began to roll while I asked what was happening. It had been 5 hours since he was taken from me..way too long for a parent to wait without any updates, but we wanted to give them the time they needed.
 The receptionist completely lacking tact and compassion for the situation says "now don't you go doing that" in a tone as if my tears were annoying her. My heart began to thump hard in my chest as I turned my head and roared at her..."lady, that is my son and he is being bagged right in front of me..I NEED TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON?!". She got up and said someone would be with me as soon as possible.
  The worst was rolling around in my head, my son had just died...my son is dead...what am I going to do..my boy is gone. A fellow came out and greeted me at the door just moments later. She said Mrs. Moore, I am so sorry you had to see that, Hudson was having a really hard time with breathing and we decided the best option was to intubate him before it became a necessity. Holy shit. How can something so serious happen and Shane and I have no idea? I had a million questions but just wanted to get the gist of what was going on, so I held my tongue. Shane had popped in twice to check if he was ready before this and they said they were still getting him situated. We by no means expected a Dr. who had hands on our son to stop what they were doing and run to educate us...but there are a lot of nurses in there and someone....ANYONE..could have given me a minute of their time. We deserved that..we definitely didn't deserve what had just happened.
  I only caught a taste of the worst...and let me tell you, it is unbearable. It is everything you feel when that thought occasionally crosses your mind, for no good reason at times. Only 100 times worse, and I had a good reason. You know, the thoughts you would have as you read about other babies, or with no particular trigger you'd find yourself trying to imagine what it would be like if you were to lose your child. I'd be alone and a mess....but just like you, I could stop thinking about it..go to Emerson's room and watch her chest move up and down as she slept peacefully. I could stop thinking about it because it wasn't a reality. Now I face the thoughts everyday for my son, watch his chest move up and down only because a machine is forcing the air in, wishing it wasn't my reality.
I don't want to know what it's like...please don't let me have to find out. I'll ride this roller-coaster but I want to make sure we all get off when its over.

WARNING for my pics below, my son is intubated which may be disturbing to some.

A little bit of sweetness

In the middle of all that medical drama, we did have a few sweet unforgettable moments. See, when you have had a healthy delivery and baby you know what it is supposed to be like. You have your little person in the same hospital room where you can hold, kiss, love, and stare at your newbie all you want. You know what that is all about......and how amazing those moments are. Those moments did exist with Hud but were just sooo very different.

I could only be wheeled down to visit him..couldn't hold him..and had to get to know that gorg face through the glare off of his oxygen hood. Just a completely different experience to have to get to know your baby from a distance. I didn't feel so bad for me, I felt sad for him. He was born (which has to be somewhat of a stressful experience for them) and had been pricked and stuck..x-rayed and ultrasounded..in a room with loud alarms and other crying babies..noisy machines and bright lights.
My newborn was just this baby stuck on a bed. Love should have been the only thing that he experienced. I felt guilty. He was so close to me but so far from my arms. I wanted to hold my boy so.very.bad.



    Look at this adorable face with those baby blues...who wouldn't want a little snuggle?

 Sometimes Huddy would lick the hood. It would look like he was attempting to lick his way to freedom! SO so funny.

One of our first pics together.. love this little monster and he loved his little paci.

Hudder butter had a name tag made for him which was cute...but that also meant your baby had been there for quite some time. Seriously the days mix together and feel like weeks and weeks like months.. you lose the concept of real time because so much is constantly happening and changing. So many way more important time consuming matters to worry about...Time was flying, just not quick enough to make this all a memory.

Then the day came when I was able to hold him. It was absolutely one of the best days ever (I now have days that trump this one but still). I can remember the excitement..I wanted to cry. The nurse heard me talking about how sad it was for him to just lay there all day and have minimal skin to skin contact. She walked away only to return with a smile. She said that there was no way she could let another day go by without me being able to hold him. She got the OK to let us use a tube of oxygen to allow flow while I held him. Milestone, enthusiastically accomplished!

(Huddy's first smile)

A notable low would definitely have to be the day I was discharged without him. It was hard to get wheeled out and have no baby in my arms. To make matters worse, I had to pass a mom being transported at the same time with theirs. Each time I passed a door with a lovely tag...my heart was heavy. I knew that they weren't going through what I was. Part of me thought that it wasn't fair that it was me but the other part acknowledged Hudson was where he was supposed to be. He had a great support system.... we might not be the most appropriate at times, and we might laugh too much, sometimes we argue, but we always love. He will always have love..........annnnnd humor ;)

We were ending week 2 in the NICU when one of the Dr.'s had approached us about Hudson's medical situation. We had no answers. Besides the change to a nasal cannula from the oxygen hood (which was major bc it meant I got to hold him whenever), we were no better off than we were 2 weeks ago, his progress had plateaued. I knew it...and of course so did they.
 The cardiologist wanted to know how we felt about transferring Hudson to Duke. Our cardiologist was actually from Duke and had a practice in Fayetteville that he worked out of 3 days a week. He was aware of the kind of care Hud would have accessible. We needed more tests and more answers...we just needed more than Cape Fear could offer. I knew medically Hud needed to go, but emotionally I didn't have a plan so I was scared to have him 2 hours away. I loved most of the staff, all of the NICU nurses were amazing. I had my favorite, Marcie and I was sad to leave because I was afraid the new nurses wouldn't know his story and care about him the way she/they did. I was torn but knew what I would do....so I signed the transfer papers just in case. Shane had bought tickets to go see Superman early that morning.....we were coming up on the time of the movie which just so happened to be the same time he might be getting life flighted out. Because the tickets were already paid for I decided to go with him...as much anxiety as it gave me to do so, I did it for him. I knew we needed some non NICU time in our life. There was no way we could have predicted that Hudster would be life flighted out. If you've seen the new Superman you know the beginning was really similar to our situation. Sitting in the leather chair while Shane munched on popcorn and slurped his soda I was dementedly picturing myself as Lara(superman's mom) and Hudson as Kal-El (superman) watching and reliving the day he was born. Then having to place him into an incubator and sending him off in a vessel all by his lonesome. SERIOUSLY?  That really just happened in this movie? WHY would my husband make me watch this?! Ugh. I was crying like a moron and no one could possibly understand why. I kept my phone in my hand on the loudest volume possible and didn't give 2 craps about anyone getting mad if it rang mid movie. Well, 30 minutes in and we got the call that Duke would be arriving in 30 minutes to take Hudson. We were 20 minutes away. I tore through town and we ran through the hospital and made it just before they took him out of his crib and onto the stretcher.

My heart broke...I was soooooooo sad. I had no idea when I would see him again. I wanted to follow them but I had nothing planned, packed or prepared. So emotional. We hurried to the heli-pad and watched them load up and take off. I was a mess.

Goodbye my little Superman, I hope to see you really soon.

Meeting Hudson

As I was wheeled into the pod my eyes darted around the room full of isolettes trying to find the one that housed my little. I was unsure of what my reaction would be, just trying to mentally prepare for what I would possibly feel...You know those deep inner thoughts that you just don't share with the world.. But I knew also couldn't wait to see him and to be able to really study his face. Learn his nose, peer into his eyes, get familiar with everything that made him, him. Though I wasn't sure what I would think or feel the second time around, I know that I wanted to give him the happy, loving welcome that he should have experienced the first time around. There was no doubt that I loved this little being, he came from me. It was just something different, and we are all often scared of something that is different. Whether we care to admit it or not. I know that my son is perfect just the way he is, which is why I can be honest about how I felt at first. I know that I have plenty of room to be a better person, and this little boy would be my guide. He would open my eyes to things I didn't see. We would teach each other, and learn from each other and as I sit here 4 weeks later I can say I am more enlightened than I ever imagined.

As we approached his crib I was nervous, but had that anxious mom instinct that wanted to have her baby close. My arms were aching to hold him. He was under an oxygen hood and to my surprise didn't even look as though he had Downs. He was my beautiful little boy and I was finally able to drink him in.

 

 

The reality was that he indeed was the gorgeous little boy I had expected. He had my hair, my mouth (which also happens to be his sisters) Shane's beautiful blue eyes (which his sister also shares) as well as long fingers and big feet.

 

 

 

 

 I was so relieved. There wasn't anything to be scared of, we would happily share this life journey with him. He was meant to be here...my body...the doctors...his body...we all missed it and here he was just as he should be. Now the only thing I could think about was getting my hands on that baby.......

  yes...I am fully aware of how fantastic I look :)

 

 

Surprise

My whole life I've never actually been surprised...I was the kind of kid who ruined Christmas by sneaking peeks into her parents closet, the kind of little girl who begged her friends to tell her what they got for her birthday...that young adult who "accidentally" found an email about her engagement ring, yeah sadly that was me!

I was always complaining about how I've never actually had a legit surprise in life... Even though ultimately it was my own fault. So with this pregnancy I figured I'd wait to find out the sex till birth......wellllll maybe. BUUUT, We all know as a 28 year old woman I still wasn't able to curb my curiosity. Little did I know the day this little boy was born I'd get more surprises than I could ever dream of..Definitely enough to make up for the absence and absolutely enough to last a lifetime.

Let's talk about the day my little boy was born..

Hudson's birth: 5/31/13  weighing 6lbs. 8oz. and 20in.

Thursday night contractions were pretty regular and just felt different than my regular braxton hicks. We went in and I sat in the triage room for hours hooked to the monitors. We said we wanted to attempt a vbac, but after waiting with only morphine that had already wore off I was over it. I wanted to be done. Not to mention while waiting I heard 2 moms screaming their heads off and was scared shitless(yeah, that just happened.. I said shit).

My Dr. came in with an OR nurse to help me decide with various facts..blah blah blah. We decided to move forward with the Cesarean and my Dr. said he had two other procedures before he could get to me, so it would be a few hours. My contractions were crazy bad and I was at 5cm. I cried through every one and finally after another hour asked the triage nurse for some kind of pain medicine. My OR nurse, Claire was waiting for in there as well. She came in, checked me and said I can't believe they are letting you labor in this triage room with no meds waiting for them to finish. This is just horrid, what if something else comes up and they push it back even more? She left for a little then came back, moved me to a L&D room, ordered an epidural and waited with me. The anesthesiologist came in and administered my epidural. He asked all the usual questions (the ones you don't particularly remember, unless you had to answer yes to any of them) and just as the last words left his lips "....ringing in your ears"... slowly I began to feel pressure and started to feel a little off, my ears didn't have ringing but was more comparable to being under water. He asked Claire about my heart rate and she let him know it was OK. He then advised her it would probably increase and again, not much longer after that I went from 70bpm to like 120bpm, and had a bad case of the shakes. He immediately pulled it out and they pushed 2 bags of fluid through my IV within a 3 minute span.  He said he had hit a blood vessel and the meds went directly into my blood stream so he had to do it again. This was most uncomfortable. Finally, it was in, I wasn't in pain and life was amazing. About 15 minutes later a man comes in and introduces himself as the one who will be performing my surgery. Errrrm happened to my Dr?! As pissy as I may have wanted to be I also thought who cares?! I wanted Hudson out!

So they wheeled me in to the OR, prepped me and started. Shane was brought in and everything was how I remembered it being with Emerson. My Dr. was singing and carrying on with his tunes, all was going well. Next thing I know, Hudson was out. He was crying at first and then it was quiet. My eyes welled up- finally my boy was here! FINALLY!
 I waited for the typical update and for his sweet face to round the sheet so I could lay eyes on him for the first time. I waited and waited for the update...asking Shane if everything was OK. I could hear the nurses whispering and asked him to try to listen. He couldn't make out what they were saying, so I waited...finally my anesthesiologist said she would go check on him. She walked away..and again I waited. When she returned but didn't volunteer an update I chalked it up to maybe she forgot(heyyyyy give me a break, denial and drugs were at play here!). So...I continued to wait... Finally a new face popped around the corner. She asked his name, "Hudson" Shane replied. She continued to say "well Hudson is having some breathing difficulty and it sounds like he may have some heart issues we are going to have to take a look at......Hudson also has some markers of Down Syndrome".

 BOOM.
There is no font large enough to describe the impact of those life changing words.
 My head turned away from her while my world stopped, I didn't hear a word she said after that and I began to cry uncontrollably. Still being stitched up they tried to keep me calm but there was no chance I could be reasoned with.
I had waited 9 months to exhale...waited 9 months for that moment of his arrival to relish in the joy of seeing his face..all fingers and toes accounted for and of course to know we had a healthy, beautiful baby. I never got to have that exhale. I was robbed of that moment I had been anticipating. Instead it was replaced with grief, confusion, sadness, disbelief, and probably a little bit of anger. I was selfishly mourning that life I had already been planning out. Mourning the little boy I thought I was having, sad that my little man would have to one day face adversity. Thinking that they had to be wrong. Releasing each of those emotions in every tear that rolled. My husband was a rock, stroking my hair and resting his forehead on mine..assuring me we would get through this and everything was OK. Claire came around grabbed my hand and she cried with me. She cried like I could have been her daughter and her empathy let me know my reaction was OK. As I looked around and began to realize again that we were not the only people in the room I could only focus on their eyes. We all know that's really the only part you can see of a person when in the OR and every set of them was red. All of them trying to maintain a professional tone but each extremely affected by the circumstances.
 My anesthesiologist cradled my head in her hands and wiped my tears away. No sooner than she wiped that I was drenching my cheeks again. As she spoke I could tell she herself was fighting tears. Her voice was cracking as she asked me to try and calm down. Finally, they brought Hudson around and I calmed myself enough to kiss his cheek, instantly feeling guilty for my reaction and mentally confirming that my little man did indeed have Downs. As much as I wanted to deny it at the time, it was obvious.

Then he was gone. I was wheeled to recovery with Shane while Claire went to get my mom and sister. She allowed them in even against policy and even watched Emerson while they were back with me. No one knew, so when mom walked in Shane had finally given in and began to cry. Neither of us could get it out. Mom of course thought the worst case scenario and began to repeat "what?" "what happened?" as she cried and wrapped her arms around Shane. She thought the worst, that our little boy didn't make it. Finally, Shane was able to get the words out...."They think he has down syndrome and he is having some breathing issues" and suddenly our reality wasn't so bad compared to the alternative. Claire came back to give me a hug, rubbed my hand and said she wished us the best. She had stayed an extra hour and a half after she had got off. Just to support our family, and that was amazing. I was taken to my room where I was able to sort through what the hell just happened and try to make sense of it all. Meanwhile, Hudson remained in the NICU. I wanted to see him asap and start bonding with him. I felt that was even more crucial now with this change. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to see him for a few hours after delivery.



Don't you worry I'm planning to describe that experience separately.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is only surprise number one. Why don't you follow me on over to the next post.........but before that I have this gem to share.

 

This was in triage after they said we would be getting ready for a c section :) My crazy husbands humor gets me through most days.

Dear Shane

We are three months shy of a year apart. I'm not sure if I am happy we made it this far or sad that it's been so long and we still aren't back together.
I'm trying.
 I try everyday to suck up the "I'm missing yous". But it's always there waiting... for a quiet moment when I am alone...hiding in every one of our daughters smiles...staring me in the face when we go out..I can't escape it.
I need this to be over. I don't think I was prepared for this sacrifice. I knew it would be a process..but I figured six months tops. What's six months to change our lives forever? I can't explain to anyone the feeling...the anticipation...the heartache...the toll this is taking on me. I can't wait to have our family back together. I.can't.wait. Words just don't do the emotion justice. The heaviness in your chest, that sinking feeling that has you ready to hurl...the symptoms that your heart is breaking.
What's most difficult is not having a date....no countdown..nothing to look forward to...no relief in sight..we are just stuck here in this torturous limbo. The uncertainty of our future has me ready to raise my white flag..but I know I can't. You can't give up.... so neither can I.
 I am so ready for this separation to be a memory. Until then I can only keep the hope. The hope that our sacrifices are appreciated, worth something, and that they will eventually pay off.

I love you. I miss you. I'm searching for strength. Please come home soon.
Dionna

BE MINE!..ok I will.

Today is Valentines day..and I absolutely LOVED today. I spent the day with my little lady. We planned on finger painting daddy a valentine..but we spent too much time playing and forgot. I will take a second to mention my big Valentine, my hubby..and how thankful I am for him everyday and not just today. I remember when we first met in early 2006. I thought he was cute but didn't see myself in a relationship with him. BUT we became fun(yes..fun)friends and from that first date forward we were inseparable. There was rarely a day that went by that we didn't see each other.This was our first picture together in 2006 at a Halloween party.


He is my second half. My opposite. My biggest fan. My best friend. My life. and My husband.
On 2/14/08 he proposed to me and we became valentines forever on 10/25/08.


Now for my little valentine..my sweet girl! It's amazing how in such a small amount of time you see such big differences! It's Emmy's second go round at this holiday.



Today after I gave Em her Vday surprises





we played in the back yard with her new ball..she picked up pine cones and threw them around..swung in her pink swing on the back porch..and ate some of her gummi treats. I put her in her push car and we took a stroll to grandma's house down the street to give her a cute little gift.(both grandma's got the same thing).

I love these days..Simple but packed with fun and cuteness. Makes me soo thankful for my family and the love that I am sooo lucky to have in my life. So HAPPY DAY everyone! I will leave you with a few more pics from today.

Emerson turn's ONE!!!

Hold on....*GASP*...
Ok! it's ok...I'm ok.
My little puddin pop has just turned one..I hate how fast these months are going! Even though I am amazed at how much she has changed..I don't want to believe it. I am the mother of a one year old.....There, fine I said it!(still doesn't feel like it though).
Anyways, Emmy had a great day. She loves to play with other kids..I basically couldn't get her to do anything else.
I did a lot of prepping for her party which had a ladybug theme! I made her outfit..and all the decorations. It was a lot...but I wanted everything to be perfect, because she is perfect(TO ME). We had crafts, lot's of food, games, cake and of course more present's that she could care less about. I tried to take a moment to soak everything in as I looked at her while she smiled during her "Happy Birthday" song..then that moment was interrupted by my inner monolouge..."why aren't you taking pictures or video?!"..."I am seriously going to miss this...where is my camera?". "I am a freak".

Lastly, I would like to add that I love her and everything that she has brought to my life..I am so lucky, and these last 12 months are proof that dreams do come true.