Hudson's First Surgery

 Hudson had his first surgery on 7/2/13 that week he was intubated. He had a PDA ligation. His PDA was larger than we had anticipated and we were optimistic that this repair would allow us to go home, for Hud  to grow and then come back for his complete repair.

Prior to this surgery we went in for a heart catheterization. This allowed the Dr.'s to get a closer look at what was going on within his heart.. Just like every procedure there are risks, risks that you don't think will happen to you. You would think I learned my lesson by now with everything going on with Hud, but I didn't think anything could happen to him....boy does that kid love to prove me wrong. They go through the Femoral artery during the procedure and there is a possibility of losing the pulse in that leg. Sometimes it will return, other times it does not.  Hudson came back to me with no pulse in his left leg. I was terrified. They would continuously come by, placing their fingers on his ankle..then checking his heartbeat with their stethoscope, trying to find the rhythm just knew Hud wasn't going to get it back, I thought "Great, now they're going to have to chop his leg off too". I was a nervous wreck for hours. A fellow (a Dr. not a guy) Elliot came in and turned on the Doppler (the same as they use while you're pregnant) to check again. "I think I have one"..he looked over at me in the chair, raised his eyebrows and turned up the volume. There it was, that same echo I heard while he was in my womb.. that broken little heart beating away. I put my head down and shielded my eyes with my hand. I let those hours of anxiety empty out. My nurse, Tonya said "it's ok mom, those are happy tears..we will take those". They were indeed some of the happiest tears I have ever cried. Thank God.

The next day after his surgery, Hud was able to tolerate 21% flow. That was a huge deal for us. Finally, he could survive on room air. We had worked for that since birth so we thought for sure we were on the right track. He had gone through a heart cath, and the PDA ligation so there was no way he would not improve....right?? We had been through so much. Hudson was 4 weeks old and it was time for him to start actually living. He has paid his dues, so he can only go up from here. Hud recovered quickly from the surgery and we could have sworn we were on track to going home.

 

 

 

Unfortunately we were wrong and the surgery didn't yield the results we expected. Hud still had to work hard, still hadn't gained enough weight, and was still somewhat struggling to exist.

 

 

They decided that we would try using a cpap mask to give him some extra support. The cannula wasn't giving him enough of a break. He hated the mask, and fought for the whole 2 hours it was on.

 

 That left them no choice but to take it off and replace his cannula. The next day July 5th, only one day after having his breathing tube removed they decided to reintubate. I fought that decision hard.. I ran through all the reasons why and why not to. I was so torn. I didn't think he had enough time without the support to prove himself. I didn't think he needed to have the tube back in so quickly...He didn't have enough time to be a baby, all the sedation and pain killers weren't even out of his system yet. But I agreed, if nothing else but to let his lung tissue catch a break to recover. I could find something positive to hold on to...and I did. Just like I always do. Just like you HAVE to.

 So they reintubated my boy and that's where we stood for 2 weeks.

 

 

Independence Day

  July 4th has so many meanings to all of us. Besides the obvious, this was also Hudson's first holiday. And anyone that knows me, knows that I take my holidays seriously! I wish we could have celebrated differently but we made the best of it. I picked up a little 4th of July bib..sad that I had to sacrifice having him decked out in stars and stripes. Sad that I couldn't see his eyes light up (like what the!!!) as Em lit her sparklers. The holiday I had planned was drastically different. BUT I made sure he celebrated however possible!

  An important day all by itself made extra special because it was also the day Hudson was freed of the ventilator. That terrifying day a week ago finally concluded with a liberating moment for my sweet guy.
 It was something that we had waited for...something that symbolized Hudson was "better". If he didn't have this breathing tube then he wasn't doing so bad. The moment came when they gathered around his bed. I was just beaming with excitement for him, it was radiating out of me. He was ready, I knew he was.


They put his nasal cannula back in his nose, put the air on high flow...and with a few quick movements the tube was pulled out. His eyes watering, his mouth opening and closing...licking his lips, rediscovering that part of his body as he was taking his own breaths unassisted for the first time in a week. I was so proud of my boy. So very proud.

              My little was FREE.

 

 

 until my next post.

 

- one very happy mom

 

 

 

 

Month One

Dear Huddy...my gorgeous bright eyed little man.


  This is not how I anticipated we would be celebrating...I hate that all your time has been spent in a hospital. It makes me sad to state your official address as 2100 Erwin Rd. Durham, NC...because that's not our house. I sit beside your bed all day and think about what it would be like to see you in your crib, instead. I wish we could be at home, in our living room giggling as we watch Em and daddy rough house. I want to be annoyed that she was playing too rough with you, or smile because she did something cute for you. I desperately want that to be the life for you.
   I want to show you the world outside of wires, tape, tubes, medicine, monitors, heel pricks, strangers and pain. I can't wait till the sun light hits your face for the first time...the wind blowing across your cheeks, fresh air and smells other than "hospital" infiltrating your healthy lungs.  I can't wait to show you all of the amazing things you have no idea even exist...everyday I am bursting with anticipation. I am ready for you to be home. I am ready for you to feel safe. I know you are too. I wish there was more I could do for you, this can't be how your life was supposed to play out....this one isn't fair.
   I hope we are able to experience all of those things and more together. You are the bravest one month old I have ever come to know. You have taught me more than I imagined. I am stronger than I give myself credit for, and I know your possibilities are endless. I can see things I never noticed, I can appreciate things I overlooked...and I can understand that of which I am afraid. So as your mother, teacher and student I am in awe of the little man you are already shaping to be. I love you more every day, and I grow prouder of you with every passing minute. You are my perfectly imperfect son. My solace. My fighter. My survivor.


Keep holding on.



Because, I love and need you.
Mom

Happy one month little love.

Just a little sprinkle...

I was iffy about having a baby shower the second time around and made it a point to say no gift was required in the invite. I just wanted to celebrate our boy.  I didn't want people to think I was being rude or whatever other reason it offends..just wanted to make sure no one eye rolled the invitation to my second baby shower!

However, I wanted to make sure I did everything for him that I did for Emerson. I didn't want Hud to become a victim of "Oops you're the second baby so I forgot to take pics of all your first's, whaaat? I had no idea your sister had 200 pictures taken each day of her first year". I myself, am the second child and often find myself scowling at my mother as we look at old albums (just kidding Mom, love ya...mean it!)...



   We had our original baby "sprinkle" planned on 7/1 but of course Hud made his appearance on his own a day before, so needless to say we had to reschedule it. I chose the week after he was born. I wanted to make sure life didn't get in the way and we never got around to it.

 My sister had everything put together already and I also wanted to make sure her efforts weren't for nothing. OK, so hopefully that was enough justification for having my Sprinkle, for those that turn their nose up at them :)


It was gorgeous! I was so thankful to have the most important people there. Just what I wanted it to be. The décor and the food were perfect!


         
           She even made the cake!

 

 

 

 

 

   Blue nail polish favors....what a cute idea, right?

My crazy husband and I, above.

 "Wishes for Hudson" papers to fill out for the Hud man. Those were so much more special to read a week after having him and knowing everything versus if we wrote/read them the week before.
Dear Huddy,

I hope you learn... that being you is amazing.

I hope you aren't afraid of ....spiders, because Mom is going to need you to kill them, and there is a strong possibility you will be required to kill other bugs as well. (Sorry I am not the put them outside kind of lady)

I hope you love.. your life. I hope everyday I will be the mom you need me to be and that you are so incredibly happy.

I hope you have your mothers...wit and love for crafts. I can't wait to joke with you and laugh and I'd be thrilled to share my love of crafting with you :)

I hope you are good at....detecting rain clouds, because your sister will point them out everyday! It'd be nice for some healthy competition!

I hope you have your fathers....smarts and good looks, he's a handsome man and you're already a very handsome little boy. I hope you're able to excel academically as much as you can!

I hope you remember....that you are my hero, the toughest person I've known. You are a fighter and survivor, and that you deserve nothing but the best in life. 

I hope you become....a gentle, caring soul and a reminder to the world of how important it is to love.

You've already changed my life and I hope as other mothers read my blog their child gets an extra moment of attention. A hug or a kiss, a quiet moment when they can exhale as they think about how relieved they are to live a different reality from me. That extra moment of love alone, makes this documentation of my emotions worth it. 

Duking it out

 

 Since the moment that helicopter left for Duke I knew emotionally I needed to get there ASAP but the rational me wanted to wait until we had a plan that made sense. I was ready to leave right then, but played with the idea of leaving in the morning. A quick call to Mom and it was settled, we would go home to pack and head up.
 We got in around 9pm and walked back to see him. Through the door we had to get buzzed in to, a stop at the sink to scrub, a quick right and a glance later we were together again. It was magical. One of the students sat holding my guy in her arms. Something must have told her that is what I needed to see! It was reassuring for sure. Definitely let me know he was being loved even when I wasn't there. Of course I couldn't wait to get that nugget in my arms again.




  We met a couple next to us with the sweetest little 1 1/2 year old, Hunter. His dad was military and his mom had a baby girl a day after I had Hudson. They were from Ft.Bragg so he offered some much appreciated guidance to Shane and I on leave and insurance information. There wasn't a day that went by that we didn't think about that little man. So much so that as we were out picking up new blankets for Hudson we came across the perfect hospital friendly toy for Hunter and without a second thought brought it back for him. They took our first family photo (of 4) for us. Occasionally, we would run into his father in the hall and catch up on each others babies. It's amazing how quickly your heart grows to make room for these families facing the same situation.

 I thought as we walked in everyday that this was officially the saddest place to ever. Sick babies crying, toddlers with IV poles racked with meds and children crying for their moms at night. Witnessing the effort put forth for these sick kids just to walk around the unit, 3 nurses pulling machines and pushing poles, acknowledging that was all the equipment that was keeping them alive. Even with PIC lines in their neck, masks on their faces, they almost always had smiley eyes. So happy just to be out of that bed, in that room where they spend so much time.

  After talking to the Dr.'s our plan was to get our boy to gain weight. Our mom, dad, sister and Emerson came up the next day, it was rough for them as well because they had all been able to visit him in the NICU everyday whilst at Cape Fear, but this new move meant less visits. There was a memorable moment in this move..after two weeks Em was able to meet her brother. She loved it and I know it did me wonders.

Having both of my loves in my arms.....Something I started to think I would never get to experience.

    There were no major procedures or revelations so after a week in the PCICU (pediatric cardiac intensive care unit) so we were transferred to a step down unit. I was able to hold and love on my little as much as I wanted. We were able to sleep in the same room and could actually have family time without worrying if Emerson was bothering anyone or being concerned about how many people were in the room with us.

I wouldn't have made it without my mom and sister. They have become an extension of me, knowing what I need when I need it and being there. Phenomenal ladies right here.

Though all of those perks didn't come without a price, the care was completely different. No round the clock monitoring..no nurse always feet away. Hudson was basically totally alone when we had to go eat or make a trip to Fayetteville for paperwork. That made me feel extremely guilty but it wasn't like I could pack him up and bring him with. As much as I thought about busting him out...that just wasn't an option.

  The one night we had to spend away we came back to a bad report. Hud had been inconsolable. My heart hurt and my mommy brain said it was totally my fault for not being there. As soon as I scooped him up all of his stats improved so that didn't help my guilt at all, but at least he was doing better.
The next morning at around 4:30am Hud had a fever and was experiencing an increased difficulty with breathing. The nurse had the rapid response team called to his bedside. Basically, the PCICU Dr's and nurses come over and access the patient and decide on whether or not they will take the patient back with them. Of course, Hud made the trip. We moved out of our room in the step down unit and waited to go back to see him in the PCICU.

Meeting Hudson

As I was wheeled into the pod my eyes darted around the room full of isolettes trying to find the one that housed my little. I was unsure of what my reaction would be, just trying to mentally prepare for what I would possibly feel...You know those deep inner thoughts that you just don't share with the world.. But I knew also couldn't wait to see him and to be able to really study his face. Learn his nose, peer into his eyes, get familiar with everything that made him, him. Though I wasn't sure what I would think or feel the second time around, I know that I wanted to give him the happy, loving welcome that he should have experienced the first time around. There was no doubt that I loved this little being, he came from me. It was just something different, and we are all often scared of something that is different. Whether we care to admit it or not. I know that my son is perfect just the way he is, which is why I can be honest about how I felt at first. I know that I have plenty of room to be a better person, and this little boy would be my guide. He would open my eyes to things I didn't see. We would teach each other, and learn from each other and as I sit here 4 weeks later I can say I am more enlightened than I ever imagined.

As we approached his crib I was nervous, but had that anxious mom instinct that wanted to have her baby close. My arms were aching to hold him. He was under an oxygen hood and to my surprise didn't even look as though he had Downs. He was my beautiful little boy and I was finally able to drink him in.

 

 

The reality was that he indeed was the gorgeous little boy I had expected. He had my hair, my mouth (which also happens to be his sisters) Shane's beautiful blue eyes (which his sister also shares) as well as long fingers and big feet.

 

 

 

 

 I was so relieved. There wasn't anything to be scared of, we would happily share this life journey with him. He was meant to be here...my body...the doctors...his body...we all missed it and here he was just as he should be. Now the only thing I could think about was getting my hands on that baby.......

  yes...I am fully aware of how fantastic I look :)

 

 

Surprise

My whole life I've never actually been surprised...I was the kind of kid who ruined Christmas by sneaking peeks into her parents closet, the kind of little girl who begged her friends to tell her what they got for her birthday...that young adult who "accidentally" found an email about her engagement ring, yeah sadly that was me!

I was always complaining about how I've never actually had a legit surprise in life... Even though ultimately it was my own fault. So with this pregnancy I figured I'd wait to find out the sex till birth......wellllll maybe. BUUUT, We all know as a 28 year old woman I still wasn't able to curb my curiosity. Little did I know the day this little boy was born I'd get more surprises than I could ever dream of..Definitely enough to make up for the absence and absolutely enough to last a lifetime.

Let's talk about the day my little boy was born..

Hudson's birth: 5/31/13  weighing 6lbs. 8oz. and 20in.

Thursday night contractions were pretty regular and just felt different than my regular braxton hicks. We went in and I sat in the triage room for hours hooked to the monitors. We said we wanted to attempt a vbac, but after waiting with only morphine that had already wore off I was over it. I wanted to be done. Not to mention while waiting I heard 2 moms screaming their heads off and was scared shitless(yeah, that just happened.. I said shit).

My Dr. came in with an OR nurse to help me decide with various facts..blah blah blah. We decided to move forward with the Cesarean and my Dr. said he had two other procedures before he could get to me, so it would be a few hours. My contractions were crazy bad and I was at 5cm. I cried through every one and finally after another hour asked the triage nurse for some kind of pain medicine. My OR nurse, Claire was waiting for in there as well. She came in, checked me and said I can't believe they are letting you labor in this triage room with no meds waiting for them to finish. This is just horrid, what if something else comes up and they push it back even more? She left for a little then came back, moved me to a L&D room, ordered an epidural and waited with me. The anesthesiologist came in and administered my epidural. He asked all the usual questions (the ones you don't particularly remember, unless you had to answer yes to any of them) and just as the last words left his lips "....ringing in your ears"... slowly I began to feel pressure and started to feel a little off, my ears didn't have ringing but was more comparable to being under water. He asked Claire about my heart rate and she let him know it was OK. He then advised her it would probably increase and again, not much longer after that I went from 70bpm to like 120bpm, and had a bad case of the shakes. He immediately pulled it out and they pushed 2 bags of fluid through my IV within a 3 minute span.  He said he had hit a blood vessel and the meds went directly into my blood stream so he had to do it again. This was most uncomfortable. Finally, it was in, I wasn't in pain and life was amazing. About 15 minutes later a man comes in and introduces himself as the one who will be performing my surgery. Errrrm happened to my Dr?! As pissy as I may have wanted to be I also thought who cares?! I wanted Hudson out!

So they wheeled me in to the OR, prepped me and started. Shane was brought in and everything was how I remembered it being with Emerson. My Dr. was singing and carrying on with his tunes, all was going well. Next thing I know, Hudson was out. He was crying at first and then it was quiet. My eyes welled up- finally my boy was here! FINALLY!
 I waited for the typical update and for his sweet face to round the sheet so I could lay eyes on him for the first time. I waited and waited for the update...asking Shane if everything was OK. I could hear the nurses whispering and asked him to try to listen. He couldn't make out what they were saying, so I waited...finally my anesthesiologist said she would go check on him. She walked away..and again I waited. When she returned but didn't volunteer an update I chalked it up to maybe she forgot(heyyyyy give me a break, denial and drugs were at play here!). So...I continued to wait... Finally a new face popped around the corner. She asked his name, "Hudson" Shane replied. She continued to say "well Hudson is having some breathing difficulty and it sounds like he may have some heart issues we are going to have to take a look at......Hudson also has some markers of Down Syndrome".

 BOOM.
There is no font large enough to describe the impact of those life changing words.
 My head turned away from her while my world stopped, I didn't hear a word she said after that and I began to cry uncontrollably. Still being stitched up they tried to keep me calm but there was no chance I could be reasoned with.
I had waited 9 months to exhale...waited 9 months for that moment of his arrival to relish in the joy of seeing his face..all fingers and toes accounted for and of course to know we had a healthy, beautiful baby. I never got to have that exhale. I was robbed of that moment I had been anticipating. Instead it was replaced with grief, confusion, sadness, disbelief, and probably a little bit of anger. I was selfishly mourning that life I had already been planning out. Mourning the little boy I thought I was having, sad that my little man would have to one day face adversity. Thinking that they had to be wrong. Releasing each of those emotions in every tear that rolled. My husband was a rock, stroking my hair and resting his forehead on mine..assuring me we would get through this and everything was OK. Claire came around grabbed my hand and she cried with me. She cried like I could have been her daughter and her empathy let me know my reaction was OK. As I looked around and began to realize again that we were not the only people in the room I could only focus on their eyes. We all know that's really the only part you can see of a person when in the OR and every set of them was red. All of them trying to maintain a professional tone but each extremely affected by the circumstances.
 My anesthesiologist cradled my head in her hands and wiped my tears away. No sooner than she wiped that I was drenching my cheeks again. As she spoke I could tell she herself was fighting tears. Her voice was cracking as she asked me to try and calm down. Finally, they brought Hudson around and I calmed myself enough to kiss his cheek, instantly feeling guilty for my reaction and mentally confirming that my little man did indeed have Downs. As much as I wanted to deny it at the time, it was obvious.

Then he was gone. I was wheeled to recovery with Shane while Claire went to get my mom and sister. She allowed them in even against policy and even watched Emerson while they were back with me. No one knew, so when mom walked in Shane had finally given in and began to cry. Neither of us could get it out. Mom of course thought the worst case scenario and began to repeat "what?" "what happened?" as she cried and wrapped her arms around Shane. She thought the worst, that our little boy didn't make it. Finally, Shane was able to get the words out...."They think he has down syndrome and he is having some breathing issues" and suddenly our reality wasn't so bad compared to the alternative. Claire came back to give me a hug, rubbed my hand and said she wished us the best. She had stayed an extra hour and a half after she had got off. Just to support our family, and that was amazing. I was taken to my room where I was able to sort through what the hell just happened and try to make sense of it all. Meanwhile, Hudson remained in the NICU. I wanted to see him asap and start bonding with him. I felt that was even more crucial now with this change. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to see him for a few hours after delivery.



Don't you worry I'm planning to describe that experience separately.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is only surprise number one. Why don't you follow me on over to the next post.........but before that I have this gem to share.

 

This was in triage after they said we would be getting ready for a c section :) My crazy husbands humor gets me through most days.

A wee bit Irish

It was another St.Paddy's day spent together for our little Irish family. We headed out to lunch with my parents, and Shane's Aunt Donna. It was nice to spend some time with them, since I like to hoard my hubby when he's home for a limited time. We headed to the park afterwards but it was so hot we only stayed for about 20 minutes... but it was plenty of time for Emerson to do her most favorite thing..swing :)

And of course lets not forget our comparison photos from previous St. Paddy's Day's!





2010



2011

Dear Shane.....

I know the day is steadily approaching..that day you will make the first of many sacrifices for your family and your country. You are going to leave behind all that you have ever known for weeks of physical and mental strain..only to be rewarded with another 7 months of time away from us.
It seems so far away but I know July 19th will soon be our tomorrow, and I can't help but think about a million different things. I am totally being selfish when I think "what am I going to do without you?". What will my days be like without my best friend, my biggest fan, my daughters father, my husband? I can only imagine what's been on your mind. I keep a straight face when we talk about it...Its not fair to burden you with more stress..but the truth is underneath this cool, calm and collected woman's demeanor, her heart is breaking a little more everyday. How am I going to do this by myself? I know our family is here, so that brings me some comfort....but no one can replace you. No one will be sleeping beside me Indian style, poking me with their knees...rolling around mumbling things that make no sense..and kissing my forehead before they roll out of bed.
I know how much you love us....and I hope you know how much we love you, and appreciate you. We are the luckiest little family in the world with you in it.
I know with this change I have to do my part to support you...it would hurt your heart too much to know how I feel...So out of respect for this decision we made together I will only write these fears and never tell you..I am having doubts that I can run a successful household without you. I am nervous I will forget to pay a bill, afraid our daughter won't remember what it's like to play with you, scared of how lonely I am going to be, and absolutely terrified that one day you may not come home. That being said......
I am so incredibly proud of you and hope the next 12 months go quickly. I already can't wait to have you home again...you are now a real life hero, like so many other soldiers serving. Thank you for being you and for loving me.

XoXo
-Your forever grateful wife

Mini Vacay

So we spent a week in Charlotte. It was really nice since our hotel was in the snobby Ballentyne area. We ate wonderfully prepared meals every night, took Emerson swimming for the first time, shopped, and relaxed in the hotel during the day's. It was great to get out of our usual routine...and even better to not have to make our bed, do dishes, vacuum you know all the normal daily chores a mom has to do to keep her house from looking like one featured on hoarders. We stayed right on the golf course where Tiger Woods was playing. It was so pretty, if we planned on staying in NC then we would probably move to that area, for my family's sake Florida is on our mind. We have a 4 year plan to pay our house off and get moved!
But back to this last week's event's, Emerson loved the water..She splashed and giggled...the water was a bit chilly so there was a time or two everytime a new part of her body got wet her eyes got really big and her arms sprung out from her sides...So for that reason we didn't stay in long, once she got used to the water she didn't seem to mind though.
Last Sunday I threw a baby shower for my friend Stacy who is having a girl she is naming Macy. It was awesome to see her since she lives in TN now and I was so glad she came back for a shower. My friend Kelly found out she was having a girl on monday. 2010 is definitely the year of the girl. EVERY new/pregnant mom I know has/is having a girl! It's the best. Every mom should experience having a little lady. It's the best!
Well you know I can't leave you without pictures from this week.