Meeting Hudson

As I was wheeled into the pod my eyes darted around the room full of isolettes trying to find the one that housed my little. I was unsure of what my reaction would be, just trying to mentally prepare for what I would possibly feel...You know those deep inner thoughts that you just don't share with the world.. But I knew also couldn't wait to see him and to be able to really study his face. Learn his nose, peer into his eyes, get familiar with everything that made him, him. Though I wasn't sure what I would think or feel the second time around, I know that I wanted to give him the happy, loving welcome that he should have experienced the first time around. There was no doubt that I loved this little being, he came from me. It was just something different, and we are all often scared of something that is different. Whether we care to admit it or not. I know that my son is perfect just the way he is, which is why I can be honest about how I felt at first. I know that I have plenty of room to be a better person, and this little boy would be my guide. He would open my eyes to things I didn't see. We would teach each other, and learn from each other and as I sit here 4 weeks later I can say I am more enlightened than I ever imagined.

As we approached his crib I was nervous, but had that anxious mom instinct that wanted to have her baby close. My arms were aching to hold him. He was under an oxygen hood and to my surprise didn't even look as though he had Downs. He was my beautiful little boy and I was finally able to drink him in.

 

 

The reality was that he indeed was the gorgeous little boy I had expected. He had my hair, my mouth (which also happens to be his sisters) Shane's beautiful blue eyes (which his sister also shares) as well as long fingers and big feet.

 

 

 

 

 I was so relieved. There wasn't anything to be scared of, we would happily share this life journey with him. He was meant to be here...my body...the doctors...his body...we all missed it and here he was just as he should be. Now the only thing I could think about was getting my hands on that baby.......

  yes...I am fully aware of how fantastic I look :)

 

 

Dear Shane.....

I know the day is steadily approaching..that day you will make the first of many sacrifices for your family and your country. You are going to leave behind all that you have ever known for weeks of physical and mental strain..only to be rewarded with another 7 months of time away from us.
It seems so far away but I know July 19th will soon be our tomorrow, and I can't help but think about a million different things. I am totally being selfish when I think "what am I going to do without you?". What will my days be like without my best friend, my biggest fan, my daughters father, my husband? I can only imagine what's been on your mind. I keep a straight face when we talk about it...Its not fair to burden you with more stress..but the truth is underneath this cool, calm and collected woman's demeanor, her heart is breaking a little more everyday. How am I going to do this by myself? I know our family is here, so that brings me some comfort....but no one can replace you. No one will be sleeping beside me Indian style, poking me with their knees...rolling around mumbling things that make no sense..and kissing my forehead before they roll out of bed.
I know how much you love us....and I hope you know how much we love you, and appreciate you. We are the luckiest little family in the world with you in it.
I know with this change I have to do my part to support you...it would hurt your heart too much to know how I feel...So out of respect for this decision we made together I will only write these fears and never tell you..I am having doubts that I can run a successful household without you. I am nervous I will forget to pay a bill, afraid our daughter won't remember what it's like to play with you, scared of how lonely I am going to be, and absolutely terrified that one day you may not come home. That being said......
I am so incredibly proud of you and hope the next 12 months go quickly. I already can't wait to have you home again...you are now a real life hero, like so many other soldiers serving. Thank you for being you and for loving me.

XoXo
-Your forever grateful wife