Month One

Dear Huddy...my gorgeous bright eyed little man.


  This is not how I anticipated we would be celebrating...I hate that all your time has been spent in a hospital. It makes me sad to state your official address as 2100 Erwin Rd. Durham, NC...because that's not our house. I sit beside your bed all day and think about what it would be like to see you in your crib, instead. I wish we could be at home, in our living room giggling as we watch Em and daddy rough house. I want to be annoyed that she was playing too rough with you, or smile because she did something cute for you. I desperately want that to be the life for you.
   I want to show you the world outside of wires, tape, tubes, medicine, monitors, heel pricks, strangers and pain. I can't wait till the sun light hits your face for the first time...the wind blowing across your cheeks, fresh air and smells other than "hospital" infiltrating your healthy lungs.  I can't wait to show you all of the amazing things you have no idea even exist...everyday I am bursting with anticipation. I am ready for you to be home. I am ready for you to feel safe. I know you are too. I wish there was more I could do for you, this can't be how your life was supposed to play out....this one isn't fair.
   I hope we are able to experience all of those things and more together. You are the bravest one month old I have ever come to know. You have taught me more than I imagined. I am stronger than I give myself credit for, and I know your possibilities are endless. I can see things I never noticed, I can appreciate things I overlooked...and I can understand that of which I am afraid. So as your mother, teacher and student I am in awe of the little man you are already shaping to be. I love you more every day, and I grow prouder of you with every passing minute. You are my perfectly imperfect son. My solace. My fighter. My survivor.


Keep holding on.



Because, I love and need you.
Mom

Happy one month little love.